Loss
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be
Kelly Clarkson sings, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…”. While that is true in many circumstances, is it always? And stronger how? Maybe you become more resilient, but do you really feel like you are actually stronger after loss? Many times after loss I often feel like a sandbag with an extra wrap of duct tape encasing me. Yes, the holes are covered and the sand can’t spill out, but if I move the right way all of my insides fall to the ground along with my emotions.
In today’s world we celebrate toughness. Every one of us, even the ones who inherited millions from their parents, are “self-made” people who did everything the hard way. We celebrate earning an education through the school of hard knocks and everyone wants to be a gangster and do things the ‘hood way. We hear people bragging “I ain’t never scared” and “nothing can stop me”, but we’re never sure if they even believe that themselves.
We are encouraged to get over loss as soon as possible, to brush it off like it meant nothing to us. We remind ourselves that we are on to the next one and there is a reason for everything, but is there? Do we really feel that whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger? In hospitals many AIDS patients don’t die as a result of the sickness itself, but rather opportunistic infections who sneak in while the body has been weakened. In that case, as in many others, what doesn’t kill us weakens us and allows something else to.
Where does our whole theory of whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger come from anyway? In 1888 in Twilight of the Idols Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “Aus der Kriegsschule des Lebens. — Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker,” which can be translated as “Out of life’s school of war — what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.” University of Glasgow philosophy professor Michael Brady explains that Nietzsche did not believe that suffering will automatically make us stronger, but offers us the opportunity to do so if we are able.
This is certainly a humble, responsible, and advantageous goal. Unfortunately, some tragedies are too painful to handle, and some loss comes without the opportunity for repair. As the Joker reminds us in the Dark Night movie, “I believe whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you stranger.” How many trauma victims do we know who have been so shattered by their experiences that they are never able to return to their former selves?
Loss can take a variety of forms such as the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a breakup, the loss of a friendship, or even the loss of a job. It is commonly expected that there is a limited period when we are allowed to feel these losses and then we should be over it. If it takes longer to heal for you or you are never able to recover the common question that’s asked is what’s wrong with you?
Others have added if you wonder why it has taken me so long to grieve, be thankful that you have never had to. The common assumption as stated earlier is that we shall overcome our grief, but it is not always healthy or possible to do so. Avoiding or ignoring your grief can lead to isolation, substance abuse, or workaholic behavior among other negative habits. It is important to ensure that you are allowing yourself to feel your feelings and seeking help when necessary to avoid destructive behaviors associated with ignoring grief.
So how do you know if you should seek help or if you are simply feeling your emotions and going through a normal grieving process? It is recommended to seek help if you are feeling extreme guilt, isolation, a loss of enjoyment in previously pleasurable activities, a loss of the ability to function normally, or an inability to get over your grief over an extended period of time.
One of the major factors in deciding whether you should seek help is how your grief is affecting your daily life. Some people are able to simultaneously experience grief and be motivated by it, such as a mother whose child was killed by a drunk driver who takes her sadness and channels it into working with the M.A.D.D. organization to prevent it from affecting other children. Others are unable to leave their bed and are wracked with grief.
It is important to decide whether this is something that you want to change or need relief from. Others can tell you if they think you are being impaired by grief, but ultimately you must make the choice on whether seeking help in the form of therapy or other methods is right for you. It is important to remember that it is never wrong to seek help and in many cases it may actually be a very healthy or best decision if it is needed.
So if we are not supposed to simply ignore our grief and move on, what do we do? It is ok to have days when you wallow in your loss. It is ok to be going along with your day just fine and to hear a song or an activity which reminds you of your loss and to lose your focus, reliving it again.
It is ok to think about the hopes and dreams that you had for the relationship which will never be realized and to feel a sense of pain and loss at their absence. It is ok to remember the fun conversations you had and remember the special moments which were just between you and the other person which will never occur again. It is ok to have a deep yearning in your heart that you wish things could be different, that they could be fixed again, even though they can’t. It is ok to just keep working on being ok no matter what it takes. It is ok to just be ok, whatever that looks like.
Sources:
https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/complicated-grief/when-to-seek-help-for-complicated-grief/
https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/what-doesnt-kill-you-makes-you-stronger/
