Doubt
The worst partner in any relationship
“Love and doubt have never been on speaking terms.” This thought by author Kahlil Gibran reminds us that love and doubt are like oil and water, they can never exist together in harmony.
Doubt is defined as a feeling of uncertainty. Doubt is the creeping threat in every relationship, the voice in the back of your mind telling you not to become too comfortable. Doubt is the problem keeping all of your relationships from reaching their full potential. Almost everyone can relate to this feeling. Whether the relationship is friendly, familiar, or romantic doubt can be the silent partner making a lot of noise in your heart.
What can doubt look like? You may be afraid to suggest something to someone or share your true feelings for fear that they will disown you or refuse to continue in the relationship. Therefore, you hide your thoughts and your true feelings because you are afraid if they get to know the real you they will throw you aside. Eventually, you become so focused on being the person that they want you to be that you repress your feelings and your interests. Once you do this long enough you can forget who you are.
Doubt can be a lack of trust in yourself. If you have been “ghosted”, when someone leaves you without a reason or explanation, it is easy to think the worst of yourself. Since you don’t know what happened and you think that a decent person wouldn’t do such a terrible thing, you think you must have done something heinous or you must be heinous. Can you imagine a worse hit to your self-esteem? Now every relationship you are in moving forward you are on your toes, walking on eggshells. Every conversation, every time you express your opinion, every activity, you worry that it might be your last together. It is hard to imagine a situation that would create more uncertainty in your feelings.
Doubt wreaks havoc with the boundaries in your relationships. Boundaries are important in every relationship. They are the rules which keep us safe and well-balanced. Professional counselor Stephanie Camins writes regarding boundaries. “Setting good personal boundaries is critical to creating healthy relationships, increasing self-esteem, and reducing stress, anxiety, and depression. Boundaries protect your personal self by setting a clear line between what is me and what is not me. A lack of boundaries opens the door for others to determine your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Defining boundaries is a process of determining what behavior you will accept from others and what you will not.” When someone leaves you feeling uncertain, it is amazing how quickly you abandon your protective boundaries.
A common example of boundaries is the ability to say no and to have your opinion respected. Many partners let people know that if their needs are not met the relationship will end. On the less serious end, this leads to people going to activities they don’t enjoy, agreeing to an open relationship they don’t desire, or smiling and agreeing with things they would normally never condone. On the more serious side, it can lead to the undesired consumption of drugs or alcohol which can lead to accidents, self-harm, or unwanted sexual contact.
A person who no longer knows who they are and are paralyzed by fear of rejection often will succumb to “people-pleasing”. The website the science of people defines a people pleaser as, “A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. People pleasers often act the way they do because of their insecurities and lack of self-esteem.” A person who suffers from people-pleasing will often find themselves gaining weight because they do not allow themselves time to go to the gym or to eat properly. This leaves them hating themselves because their decisions in the service of others have strayed themselves far away from who they really are, or lonely because they know that if people really knew who they were their relationships would fall apart like a house of cards in the wind.
Now that we have outlined the problems, what can be done? First, although it can be very difficult, it is important to remember that your value is not defined by how many friends you have. We live in a culture where we rack up “friends” on social media and influencers are always seen with the right people in the right places, but all of that is nothing more than an illusion. We seem to believe that the person who has the most “friends” is the person we should aspire to become, when in reality we may be unaware of how unhappy they may truly be. We may never consider the lengths that they may be contorting themselves in order to stay liked, no matter how unhealthy they may become. Sometimes it is better to be alone than to be in the company of people who make you feel alone.
We must also learn to value our own opinion. We were created for a purpose. We matter. We have important contributions to make to our world. If every person should be a certain way, we would have been created that way. Yet, each one of us is very different, and that is beautiful. If you are engaging in healthy behaviors and someone makes you feel less than, the problem is them, not you.
Therapy can be a valuable resource for those who are struggling with their identity. It can be invaluable to get the opinion and guidance of a trained therapist who can help you to discover your values and rediscover your personal passion and agency. They can help you to advocate for yourself even as you learn to grow on your own.
We must remember that if we had poor boundaries in the past some relationships may fade away when we try to reassert or create them. We may have been attractive to those who wished to feed off our largess without our boundaries and once we establish them they will flee from us like a vampire running to the crypt before dawn. It can be damaging and horrifying to watch this pattern repeat itself, but we must trust and hope that the friends we make who replace them will be attracted to our full selves, not what they can take and pillage from our weakened state.
Guilt is a common feature of doubt-filled relationships. Many times the doubt causes us to question ourselves. Once we doubt ourselves a tiny hole opens up and leaves us vulnerable. An operator can skillfully exploit this hole to control us through guilt. Once we become familiar with guilt we associate it with normal relationships and we only feel right with ourselves when we are giving into it. To truly heal we must reject this feeling and only be ok with people who make us feel good about ourselves. If we don’t reject this emotion, our lives and our choices will never be ours again.
Doubt destroys relationships, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Doubt is there to remind us that something feels off or out of whack with the relationship and it reminds us that we must leave it to seek something better. We must choose to make ourselves strong and fulfilled so that our relationships are a source of enjoyment, not our standard of value. As President Reagan said, “good fences make good neighbors” and good friendships respect our boundaries, they do not make us feel guilty for having them. As Aristotle reminds us good friendships are the ones that benefit both people, and we should never doubt the love we have for one another in our relationships.
Sources:
https://roadtogrowthcounseling.com/importance-boundaries-relationships/
https://liveboldandbloom.com/05/relationships/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships#3-1-saying-no
